Incoherent Thoughts

Happy valentine ' s to me

2284

Hay. Away nanaman. Potang buhay to. Ang nakakainis pa naman pag may kinaiinisan sya yung tipong ultra-weird na bagay. Pota talaga. Bwisit. Gusto ko syang pagmumurahin eh. Sa point na to, baka mapatay ko siya. Awa naman ng diyos, sa dinami dami ng beses na gusto ko na syang patayin hindi naman natutuloy. At, ha, pakialaman ba kung ano ang binoblog ko? Pucha, blog ko kaya 'to. WAG MO KONG PINAKIKIALAMAN HA. Ang engot ko rin naman kasi kung bakit ba binigay ko sa kanya yung URL. Ewan. Tanga ako eh. Ang inisip ko noon isa itong way na mas makikilala nya ako kasi mas open ako dito. Saka nahihirapan kasi ako magsabi kung ano yung nafifeel ko kaya sabi ko: Sige, ibigay ko na lang yung URL ng blog ko para at least ma-gets nya ako. Eh pucha naman... imbis na ma-gets nya ko minsan ito pa yung source ng away. PUTAKTE. Hay. Parusa talaga. Ewan. Mas masaya pa ako nung di ako umibig eh. YAAAAAAAAAAAAK. Kadiri. Did I just say that? Hahaha. Yak. Pwe pwe pwe! Basta. Lecheng puso 'to. In fairness, parang ilang linggo na rin kaming di nag-aaway. Akala ko pa naman tuloy tuloy na. HAY PUCHA. Kung sino man nagsabi na di magulo ang lalake, pwes, mga bading kayo. Mas masahol pa sa babae ang mga lecheng lalakeng yan.

2280

mein Liebling... I like the sound of that.

2278

I'm a little bit frustrated because I can't find one of my easy to wear pants. I bought three of those and left one in Manila when I was there for New Year's. So I really should have two here in Singapore. It's freaking driving me nuts thinking about where the other one is!!!! *tries to calm down* Well I better see it tonight when I go rooting in my closet. I wanna wear it tomorrow to the parade!

My attempt to write about 2010

I have thought about recapping my 2010 since forever, but haven't had the chance to do so. I got busy. And whenever I was in the right mood to write, I never got around to doing it because I couldn't get myself to say everything. Well, today is a different day. My brain seems to want to cooperate with what my heart desires. Or is it the other way around? January 4, 2010  was the day I set foot on Sing-land only to be greeted by the hottest gust of air in my entire history of traveling (not that I've done much). Come to think of it, I don't remember there being a gust of air. It was more like stepping out of the cool cocoon that is the airport terminal and into the largest oven. It was hot and way more humid than I'm used to.  I find myself surprised to find a country that surpassed Metro Manila in the heat and humidity index. The nice thing about my first encounter with Singapore was that I didn't have to walk far to get a cab. I also knew I didn't have to worry about cab drivers screwing me, which is something that cannot be said for Metro Manila. As we coasted along the road that led us out of Changi Airport, I found myself thinking about whether I did the right thing. Was I right to leave behind a career that I'd worked hard to establish? To leave my country with the thought that I will not work there again? To start again in a different place, which I've done before (Cebu) only this time I won't have my father's money to fall back on? My emotions alternated between feeling excited and mega scared all at the same time. When I moved to Cebu to escape a bad memory in Manila and to try living on my own, I wasn't worried because Manila was only an hour's plane ride away. And my dad was doing well with his business so if things didn't go well with my move, or if I really hated the place and wanted to move back, it was all just a simple matter. I didn't have any worries. The decision to move to Singapore was something that bugged me even after I'd made the move. I was pressured by the head hunter to move as soon as possible and I pressured myself into making a change. It was all very chaotic and I have to say I could've done a better job leaving my country and the company I worked for if I wasn't the stupid woman that I was and gave in to the pressure that was mostly self-inflicted. My first two days in Singapore were difficult if not downright nasty. Spottiswoode Park, the area where the head hunting agency's private apartment was, felt too cramped. The houses (landed ones) were small and there didn't seem to be enough space to keep you away from other people. It really made me claustrophobic and I'm not claustrophobic. It seemed like it was an older part of town. I felt out of place even though I knew lots of Pinoys were about (conversations were carried out in Tagalog, that's how I knew). Eating at the hawker center was a new experience for me. Hawker centers are local food courts here. I was uneasy and more than a little apprehensive buying food from there for the first time because it didn't look clean. But I had to eat and I couldn't find a McDonald's in the vicinity so I had no choice. I didn't enjoy my food much because I was too scared to get sick or die from the germs that seemed to inhabit the hawker stalls, not to mention the chingchong folks that liked to sneeze or cough without covering their mouths (talk about unsanitary). Then night came and the area seemed to come alive for some reason. There were no nearby bars or clubs, at least none that I saw, but it just seemed noisier. It bugged me. The street was also too lit up. I couldn't sleep. I am not sure I slept at all but I woke up early the following day and hastily messaged a college friend. My friend knew I was moving to Singapore and offered that I stay with her. I didn't want to, initially,  because I didn't want to be an inconvenience. But after that horrible first night, I knew I had to move. I was slated to stay for two weeks at the head hunter's private apartment but I moved out after a night's stay. The first company I worked for turned out to be bad. Every week there were changes, changes that didn't make any sense to me. I have been employed in companies that made sure decisions and the rationale behind them were transparent to employees. If times are unstable, I think you have to make sure your employees understand where they stand, and what you're doing to make sure your business stays on top. If you're going to make cuts to the headcount, you at least let people know that this is a possibility. Emerson did it. We (employees) knew what was going on. I may not be a business-minded person, but I don't think it takes a management degree or an economics degree to understand how important this is. I'm not sure which zoo the managers in this company graduated from, but it sure as hell was obvious they couldn't tell their heads from their butts. Sure, this period was the year after the markets started capsizing and I could understand how circumstances were still unstable... but pushing products to the market without it undergoing proper testing is absurd - it's also super duper stupid. You would have to be the biggest boob on earth to do this. And, my goodness, they didn't seem to have customers at all! None of the employees have records of data that tell them how their product is used in the field. They keep developing and redeveloping the system, building function on top of functions, but they did not have user data. How totally weird is that?! I wasn't even two weeks in the company and I could smell the scent of death wafting from the netherworld. Being a contractor (my first time, mind you. my employment in the years past were always regular, meaning I was converted to a full-time, permanent employee after 6 months of probation), I was excluded from some activities, be they meetings or updates from management, that the powers that be deemed unnecessary for me to attend. Let me say I took offense to that approach because whatever they discussed in the meetings were absolutely necessary for me to know because it affected my stay in the company. I want to know if their ship is keeling over so I can bail as soon as possible. But, no, I was kept in the dark. If it weren't for the regular employees that I was semi close to, I wouldn't even know about things. Needless to say, it was another point against the company. This tactic further pushed me away from seeing the good in them. Then came news of two of the higher ups resigning. This was after they had come to Singapore to hold meetings with the employees, contractors excluded. This drove people wondering what the hell was going on? No one had a clue, it seemed. But people, including me, were feeling uneasy. The business wasn't doing great. I didn't need Finance to tell me they weren't making money. Not enough to keep the business going anyway. But still they kept building onto the system. Even when all they had for "customers" were prospects. We were building for no one. Or at least building for a "someone" that we weren't sure was gonna buy into it. The funny thing is, before I accepted their offer to work here, I asked if there was a possibility to be made a permanent employee. They said there was. That they were looking to absorb two people. So what's funny, you ask? I did make the cut to be absorbed. My manager pushed the paperwork to get me on board, but upper management was dawdling. With the resignations of two of the senior VPs, the fate of the company was still up in the air. The rest of management kept everyone in the dark. They promised a meeting a month after the resignations, but the meeting didn't take place until two months after. And so two months after I was told I was going to be absorbed, senior management tells the Singapore office that they will transfer development to India. Operations in Singapore will cease in two months. I must say that even with all the negative vibes I had, and all my talk about hearing the death knell, I had hoped that I was wrong. You see, I wasn't looking to move companies that soon, even though theirs sucked. I was still trying to get myself used to my new life in Singapore, and even when I was contemplating bailing less than 6 months of being in the company, I couldn't make myself do it because it felt like throwing myself in the ocean once again without any life vest. My plan was to put up with the shit at work and work at making myself get acclimated to Singapore and its annoying culture. But you know life likes to throw you a curve ball, right? After they announced they were closing the Singapore office, I literally couldn't sleep. I must have prayed to God and all the saints I could remember to help me through this crisis. I was a mass of nerves and it showed. I was grumpy, easily irritated, and I swear I hissed like a cat at people that were not even the least bit annoying. Someone at work (a fellow writer) would come up to me to ask about something inane, or something about work that I think he or she should know, I grumble and tell the person to just sit and be pretty coz I'll do what they can't do. I'll do what they should know how to do and in my mind I kept thinking, "How in the world did you guys get hired?!" I know. I know. I must seem like such a bitch and know-it-all, but, really, I'm talking about simple things they should know. Or if they don't, they could just fucking Google it and try to understand what the search results throw at them. That's what I do. And I've been good at it so far. It's not a rocket scientist job, you know. I was mildly catatonic in the weeks after. I didn't feel like going to work most days, and I didn't. I spent the days feverishly looking up jobs and applying. Thankfully, I got a new job before the closure date came. I was safe. So that covers the job part. I don't think I ever got the chance to write about it because I was caught up in trying to survive live. In the first 8 months I've been here, my activities outside of work were my usual, meaning I did the same things I did in Manila. I watched movies, ate, checked out restaurants, shopped. The only difference is I did most of these things by myself. The college friend whose help I called on when I first came here wasn't someone I wanted to hang out with. A truth I discovered when I found myself becoming annoyed and irritated with her every time we were together. It got so bad that one time I walked out on her and her friends while we were all out drinking. I just could not stomach her ninniness and her penchant for making up stories (read: looking for trouble, horning in on other people's lives). Instead of feeling good, she made me want to punch her in the face all the time. And so I stopped hanging out with her. And then I also discovered that hanging out with me was not bad at all. To be honest, I was more happy being by myself. I continued to be by myself - I watched movies, shopped, and ate like I was a teenager. Then I got fat. And so I shopped for bigger clothes. But instead of making me feel better (hello, retail therapy), it made me feel dumpy. Which I was.  I decided to cut back on the stuff I was eating - a trick I did when I was younger. It worked before, I thought, so why not do the same thing, right? It would've been great had it worked again. It didn't occur to me to try something else though. At least not until it got difficult to buy pants. Nothing looked okay on me by that time so I decided to get some exercise.  I walked from work to home almost 3x a week. It still didn't help that much. I turned to google and looked for knitting groups. You must be like, what? How does knitting help? I'm getting there. Seriously, that's how it happened. I looked for knitting groups first because that's what I was interested in - obviously not for slimming down but for something else. And only when I got to meetup.com did I think about walking groups (the site suggested it to me after I ticked walking as an interest). And I found them - the Wandergruppe. I joined the first hike, which just about killed me and almost made me pee my pants. I didn't write about this, I think. I couldn't find any post about it. Since then, I've been to most of the walks that members of the group host. I've written about some of them, too. It's through the group that I met a couple of nice people. I hang out with one of them on a regular basis, and through him I've met other nice people. It's not just walks I do now. I've also been cycling. Of course my first time on the bike after many years of not being on one ended in a disaster, but it wasn't that bad that I could not imagine doing it again. And I went cycling again just last Sunday. I thoroughly enjoyed that one. So how do I find my life in Singapore now? It's been a roller coaster, for sure. I've never gone through the range of emotions I have in all the years I've been working. While I am used to living in the city, I am not used to Singaporeans and the other people that live here. Okay, it's mostly Singaporeans that I have a beef with. Indians, too (the imports). The city, by itself, is okay. It's the usual mall-restaurant sorta thing. That's not new. I do like their transportation system. It's fantastic. I do wish for a Munich-type of schedule though. In Munich they tell you what time the bus is coming. I'm not sure if it's the same for other areas in Germany but I thought it was great. I knew what time to go to the bus stop to catch a bus. I didn't have to sit there and wait 15 minutes (or more) to get on one. Singapore should do this. I fail to see what prevents them from doing so. If Munich could do it, they should be able to as well. Oh, and one of the good things about Singapore is the nature reserve. The do have a lot of areas (parks) where you can walk. There are places for old people to walk on and ones for others who like challenges. Of course there's nothing like the Rocky Mountains or the Alps. But for a place this small, it's amazing they even have one. And it's like an hour away (maybe less) to the shopping districts and other urban establishments. Pretty amazing. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to Singaporeans. I know it sounds mean and all-encompassing, but I can't help it. THERE ARE nice and good mannered Singaporeans, but the horrible ones totally eclipse the good ones. It makes me wonder what they teach in the schools here. Good manners and right conduct are amiss. It's sad. I can't get used to their accent either and the mangled English they call Singlish. Most of the time, the English I hear spoken is ngongo sounding. It makes it hard to understand them. And I'm not deaf nor dumb you know, they're just not pronouncing it right. There's a difference. For example, heavy is h3-vi, not hay-vee. Red is r3d, not rayd. Hill is hill, not heew. That's how most of them say these words. It's ear bending. I should probably record some conversations on the train or bus so you'd get a feel for how they make my ears bleed. There's a million other words they totally fuck up but it would take a lifetime to write them down. I probably haven't encountered more than half of it. Enough bashing. The other part of my life that I have not gotten around to sharing is still rather private. I've been happy, super happy, sad, mental, and then happy again. It's worse than a roller coaster. But better because I'm happy. I've had a lot more growing up to do since coming here. And it's a work in progress. I learn, I adjust, and I... bash. Just kidding! I seriously try to be more understanding. I've learned that some things are just the way they are. To try to wrap your mind around it is like trying to electrocute yourself. It is just how it is. Don't get bent or bend, just live. You know, for all my bashing and ceaseless complaints, I think I'm staying.

Flowers

Why in the world would I be thinking about flowers right now? I actually got off the bed to write about it because, well, because I felt compelled. I like flowers. I like to visit botanic gardens whenever I'm in the US and head straight for the flowery areas because I like being surrounded by flowers. I like to take pictures of them, too. It feels good to receive flowers, too, diba? It feels especially good when you get flowers just because. I used to receive arrangements from R when we were still together. I remember how giddy I was whenever the security guard on our floor would call me to get the arrangement R sent. I liked the attention. I also liked how sweet he was to send me flowers for no reason at all. It made me feel... noticed. By R, ha. He was also the last person to send me one. It's been too long (2007). Now I find that I would like one. Just because.

Emo

It's past 12 a.m. and here I am sitting on a bench outside my block, enjoying the breeze, thinking about the wonderful day I just had. I may have been bored to death at work but outside of it is a different story. I don't know where to begin telling you all how I feel. I'm happy and weepy at the same time. I'm not weepy because I'm sad. Quite the opposite actually. But I also feel scared. What if someone sees I'm too happy and takes all this away from me?

Gimme back my mojo jojo

I don't know what's wrong with me. It seems odd that I don't have posts for the past few days - no rants , no people to curse to hell and back, no nada. The mojo jojo is stuck in the abyss of laziness. I seriously wanted to post from my phone but the non-mobile version of WP doesn't load properly on the mothereffing iPhone. I still question my good sense in getting this piece of junk. Anyway, the good news is I will be getting an Android - not any time soon, but I will nevertheless. Work is the same. BORING. My personal life is, well, the same. I'm getting old and that's all there is. My family... let's not go there. Yesterday was a bad day because my dad was being his irritating self. I feel sad and sorry for my mom for having to put up with him. I don't think I can. It's the middle of the work week and I so want it to be over. Next week is Chinese New Year week and I only work for 2 days (hopefully). It's gonna be a long weekend! Hmmm, what to do?

Donut peaches

Oh. My. God. The donut peaches I just had for dinner (together with an apple) was superb. AMAZING. I have never had peaches this sweet before. Never. (Not unless you count the canned ones.) They were absolutely amazing. I swear. I was kind of hesitant to eat it because I've always had bad luck picking peaches. I get sour ones, and when I'm really unlucky I get the super sour ones. So imagine my surprise when I bit into one and tasted the sweetness - I almost moaned. Haha! Now I can't wait to have the other two for breakfast. It's sad that I had to throw out 2 of them as they'd gone bad - it was 6 in one packet and I didn't see some had gone bad when I bought it. Must be why they were selling cheap. I gotta find more of this! Photo courtesy of Tea & Cookies.

Ho-hum Montag

Today was another boring day. The good news is that I spent most of the afternoon reading an ebook of Emily Giffin. I'm waiting on the output from a couple of engineers and since it's not available, what am I to do? Oh, one of the highlights of today was lunch. We checked out this Thai "resto" near work and turned out they had pretty good food. The servings were huge for Singapore standards. Best of all, the price was okay. I mean really okay. I got an avocado milkshake, too! I don't ever pass up the chance to get an avocado milkshake if it can be had, the reason being is that the avocado they sell in the supermarket look weird. I have not attempted to buy them for fear I might not be able to eat them. Another highlight is the surprise I received in the mail when I got home today. I got a Christmas card from Kri! She also sent me an iPhone cover - so sweet, yeah?